i want to taste you bleed
by theMidnight.Rainfall
Summary: we cling to the truth, thinking it will bring security. what truly brings security is knowing that the truth changes like the wind. Aizen/OC. oneshot.


_Firstly I want to thank Kapin for beta-ing this and Kati for encouraging me to finish this. I've been working with this particular OC for years and I think I've finally decided on a story I like. Aizen is ridiculously hard to write even non-romantically, so I'm hoping I kept him as in character as I possibly could._

_Secondly, I'm aware that some of this one-shot will seem difficult to follow. I tried to make it flow as well as I could without over-explaining too much, so please keep that in mind as you read. One bit of information you will find useful is knowing Yui's zanpakuto's ability ahead of time, so here's a snippet of how Akumutora works:_

_When released, Akumutora's power fuses into Yui as she becomes a master of persuasion of the mind, so even though she can use her sword, she can simply let its energy dissipate into the reiatsu around her, choosing to fight hand-to-hand instead. There are two sides to this power - the dream (desire) and the nightmare (fear) - and she can manipulate the thoughts, feelings, etc. of her opponent through these two channels. It is an illusion-based power, but the illusions are driven by the strength of the desire or fear within her opponent or within herself. The stronger the desire or fear and the lower the willpower, the harder it is for her opponent to break free from the persuasion, and as they focus on battling the illusions, Akumutora is busy draining away their spiritual energy, which is what is used to fuel the illusions in the first place. The illusions cannot be fueled without her opponent's willpower, but Yui is able to "force illusions", wherein she uses her own spiritual energy to produce whatever she wants; however this is a last resort as it leaves her slightly disadvantaged._

**_Finally, I hope you enjoy reading the drabble as much as I enjoyed writing it! I'm currently a part of a Bleach RP group on Tumblr and if anyone would be interested in RPing Aizen for my OC, please let me know because it would make my life! Thanks~!_**

•○•○•

His gaze is forceful, penetrating her defenses as she crosses the room.

Yui finds herself too aware of the way his attention excites her – it's been too long since he's looked at her this way and she takes her time, embracing it in the way only she has ever done. She knows he's waiting for her to meet his eyes, but that will happen on her own terms. For now, she will demand control.

_Just a little bit longer._

"The king finally makes an appearance," she greets, leaning her zanpakutou against the couch he sits upon. It wouldn't be any use to her even if she wanted to fight him; she's not strong enough to pit his fears and desires against him. "Have you come to tell me what my purpose is here?"

_Tell me why you want me here._

"Candid as always," he notes, his head resting elegantly, lazily on one hand. She resists herself the urge to roll her eyes, instead smoothing out the wrinkles in the outfit he had made for her. To her pleasure, the fabric is looser than her shinigami robes. The make is akin to an expensive yukata – long sleeves, a high slit near the skirt's middle stopping just below the thick obi that wraps around her waist – and she can't say that she hates it.

It should unnerve her, she thinks, the way he knows her exact tastes.

"I'm pleased you seem to be well."

She raises her eyebrows skeptically at him, finally meeting his eyes. Even with her true feelings locked away, Yui can feel him instantly cross her boundaries, seeing the places she tries to hide. The places he already knows.

"You say that as if you expect your absence would cause me to fall to pieces."

"I have yet to imply any such idea."

She rolls her eyes, muttering sarcastically to herself, knowing he can hear every word clearly. A smirk creeps behind the fingers covering his mouth and she can feel the excitement that lights his brown eyes swell within her.

It reminds her of the first time they truly met – monster to monster.

.

_"Are you going to kill me?"_ His blade presses delicately against her neck, stopping short of drawing blood. Even though she's tempted to glance down, she refuses herself the impulse, instead keeping her eyes level with his, determined not to give him the satisfaction of looking away.

She wonders what he makes of her.

_"Hasty with our assumptions, aren't we?"_ His deep voice is like a serenade in the middle of a rainstorm, trying to coax her out of the safety of her home, to convince her that the thunder will protect her instead of predicting her ultimate demise. She hates it immediately, knowing he could easily overpower her with his voice alone.

_"Am I wrong to believe the thought hasn't crossed your mind?"_

_"No,"_ he states, looking her over curiously. With just one glance, he seems to know her every secret, but he takes the fresh knowledge in slowly. It's tantalizing, having his brown eyes devour her, and a part of her doesn't want it to stop. The moment lasts what seems like a full minute before he sheaths his zanpakutou. _"However, I am not in the habit of being wasteful."_

.

Yui still wonders why he finds himself advantaged with her alive. She's never gotten in his way, per se, but certainly she's gotten more out of their relationship than he has. It isn't like she's ever gone out of her way to help him.

It has always baffled her that he would waste his time with someone so comparatively ambitionless. Usually she figures he simply enjoys the games they play.

Sometimes she isn't so sure.

"Are you going to answer my question?" she asks, already knowing how this conversation will play out.

Sometimes she thinks it's at least worth the effort.

"But you already know."

She is neither surprised nor disappointed by his response. He has never given, will never give true, direct affirmation even if it's the only thing she craves more than his touch against her skin. She knows it's silly, that she wouldn't know if he were telling the truth even if he screamed it, but there's a part of her that wants to hear the words dance across his tongue.

There is a long pause between them as she chooses her next words carefully.

"Keeping me out of the way would be easier if I were dead." It comes out casually and she pushes her long dark hair back over her shoulder as if the thought of her murder is nothing. Even though it is everything.

"You would like that," he says softly. It isn't a question, but as it melts within the air between them, Yui thinks it sounds like one, thinks it sounds like he might not be sure, like he might not want to be sure.

She knows he hates this conversation, and that he probably thinks she should feel grateful that he hasn't disposed of her, but she can't help feeling jealous of the few he has discarded. He didn't want to tarnish their worlds and they're the only ones he's shown his true feelings to.

It's all in his game.

"I might."

She can play games too.

She could ask him why he didn't kill her, why he won't kill her, but she knows it's a waste. Begging at his feet would get her nowhere and she won't reduce herself to such a pathetic role to get what she wants.

_Endurance is power._

It's funny that her family's motto should come back to her after all these years.

He is still the only one who knows the truth about them.

.

_"Sousuke… where are you from?"_

Yui watches him from across his desk, paying close attention to the way his jaw tightens ever so slightly, the way the mood of the room changes for barely a second, the way he doesn't look up until he finishes the sentence he's writing.

He stares at her for a moment, and in it she sees a flicker of possibility. She sees a small, lone boy staring up at the stars, dreaming of the man he could be, fascinated by the power flowing through his body. She sees a young charismatic boy lusting for knowledge, lusting for control. She sees someone akin to herself and then suddenly the image is shattered.

She knows immediately he's planning to change the subject.

It excites her more that she's starting to be able to read him rather than it disappoints her that he won't talk about his past.

_"My past in rukongai is far less exciting than your past here,"_ he states.

She frowns.

This is not where she hoped this would go.

_"Nobles aren't as interesting as you might think,"_ she replies, waving him off, pretending to be unperturbed by his implication.

_"They certainly must get dull after they've all died."_

If he were anyone one else, her glare would have made him uneasy – even that runt Gin is wary of her anger – but Sousuke has never had a reason to be afraid. After all, he could just as easily crush her.

He raises an eyebrow as if to say, "You shouldn't ask about others' pasts if you are unable to deal with your own".

She takes his challenge.

_"They called it a tragedy, you know."_

_"But you disagree."_

_"Maybe if they weren't all hypocrites, it would have been." _She picks at her nails as if she's had this conversation a thousand times before, as if letting him be the only one she's admitted this to means nothing. _"They were fun to play with while it lasted."_

He smiles, though she isn't sure whether it's because she's admitted this to him or if it's because he knows now she's just the monster he expected her to be.

.

He's always done just enough to keep her within his grasp, she thinks.

_Even though he never had to do anything._

"What would you do if I were to grant your wish?" he asks slowly, every word deliberate.

"Die," she responds simply, wondering what the twist to this will be. She knows he won't kill her; he loves watching her in conflict, loves the mess he's created of her, and she hates him for it. There is no room for hope in that equation.

He laughs.

It's a rare moment, his eyes alight with true amusement, and she drinks it in, trying not to smile herself as warmth fills her inside. It should alarm her, she thinks, that he is still able to ignite such happiness inside of her after all these years.

"Your brand of honesty has always been unique."

"You say that as though you expect it to have changed," she says, uncertain as to why her answer was funny in the first place.

"Humor tends to change with a person."

"We've _both_ changed," she corrects, appalled that he would imply that only she is different. He's always been arrogant, but he never exuded cockiness the way he does now.

"But you have wandered a different direction."

Yui doesn't argue, rarely does when he's undoubtedly right. Instead, her mind jumps to the past, jumps to the only other man she's loved.

.

_"You're not a monster."_

Yui stops her work to look up at her captain, her eyebrows furrowed questioningly. This is a strange topic to bring up in the middle of the day.

_"You're not as terrible as you think,"_ he continues, countering her skepticism with a smile. It's his smile and not his words, she tells herself, that makes her heartbeat quicken.

_"And who are you to make such a judgment?" _she asks, returning to her work and forcing down a smile of her own. He always makes her want to smile, always creates a flutter in her chest.

She hates it.

Yui only agreed to be his lieutenant to ensure her safety, to make sure that if her captain did manage to expose Sousuke, she wouldn't be dragged down with him. She didn't accept her promotion so that she could make lasting friendships!

She remembers the volatility between them in the beginning, walking delicate circles around one another as if one wrong move would tear them both to pieces. He didn't trust her, his watchful eye always trained on her, and the third division felt like a prison.

She hates that she's starting to think of it like home.

She reminds herself that he only wants her by his side because of her close relationship with Aizen Sousuke, because he uncovered something he should not have, because he thinks she'll be the key to exposing Aizen's treachery. She reminds herself that she's only playing along, that she doesn't really want to see Sousuke fall, that she's just trying to survive.

And yet, she can't remember feeling this sense of belonging anywhere else.

_"Oi! I'm your captain! My judgment is always important!"_ Her captain pretends to be offended and she doesn't bother hiding her amusement, laughing softly as she shakes her head. _"See, that right there is what I mean."_

_"Once again, Yagari-taichou, you aren't making any sense."_

_"Monsters don't care about people like you do,"_ he states simply.

She almost scoffs. _Even monsters get lonely._

_"I mean, what kind of monster would you be, hanging out with the other lieutenants, making friends with that tenth division girl, Tsukiko –"_

As if on cue, a small girl rushes into the third division office nearly out of breath, her wild blonde curls bouncing in rhythm with her heavy panting. Yui shares a look with her captain and the two burst into laughter, leaving the poor girl confused.

_"What?"_ Tsukiko asks, glancing quickly between the two of them. _"I just came here to hide from Matsumoto-fukutaichou." _

_"You say that like it's something new,"_ Yui says. Tsukiko sticks her tongue out at her and the games begin.

Yui knows it isn't real, that one day the illusion will shatter, but she can't tell whether it's a dream or a nightmare anymore. She can pretend, but she knows this isn't the person she expected to be.

.

"It was all in good fun."

He raises his left eyebrow in a familiar fashion, her cue to elaborate, but she can't find it in herself to say anything. She doesn't need to defend her actions to him, not after all these years. What would there be for her to defend anyway? There is nothing wrong with hiding away in the world of a dream for a little while.

"Don't tell me you just want to take a trip down memory lane," she says instead, blatantly avoiding the subject.

"I am not that interested in sentimentality."

"Of course. How could I forget?" She folds her arms across her chest as she rolls her eyes.

"Although, if we are on the subject," he begins, and she mentally braces herself. "How is the third division doing? A loss of… three captains in the past hundred years, was it? That's quite extraordinary."

"You must feel proud then, since they were all your fault."

"You place blame so easily. It wasn't my actions that –"

"Yes. It was. Without you –" She stops herself midsentence. He's provoking her. She cannot let him get under her skin so much that she loses control over her emotions, but all she can think of is her old captain, his smiling face at the forefront of her mind.

_Without you, he'd still be alive._

"He was in my way," he says, reading her thoughts.

"You never gave me a chance to steer him away." Yui can feel herself inches away from shouting, but refuses to give him the satisfaction. _This won't be like the last time._

"I admit that I was doubting your intentions."

"My intentions have never changed."

"I didn't realize you were still upset about this."

She opens her mouth to retort, but immediately closes it, knowing there's nothing she can say. He's mocking her, pushing her buttons carefully, playing with one of her few insecurities. He wants her to get upset, wants her to be aware of the power he still holds over her, wants her to admit that she was changing.

It's hard to become someone's enemy, she thinks, when you want them to succeed, and yet, she was managing it. Was it easier to pretend that she was someone else?

_At the end of the day, I'm just as selfish a woman as I ever was._

Kengo's death could have been prevented, but she did nothing to stop it. It's always easier to let the puppeteer win his own game.

.

Her captain lies in a pool of his own blood in the middle of the gardens he planted, the full moon highlighting the scene. It looks like suicide, feels like suicide, but she knows deep within her that what she's seeing isn't real. It's easier to let the hypnosis wash over her, to let herself sink to the ground in tears, to let him know he's won.

She almost wishes it were the truth.

It's selfish of her, but she doesn't want to live with the guilt.

After that night, she refuses to come out of her room for a week, lying on her futon, Kengo's haori tightly clutched to her chest. His smell still permeates the fabric and it reminds her of their beginning, of who they became.

He tried to convince her she wasn't a monster.

She knew it was dangerous to even think about confronting Sousuke, and yet she let her captain take the risk, encouraged her captain to take the risk, standing by his side the entire time. What kind of person doesn't try to stop someone they love from making a mistake?

_"Kengo…"_ She sobs his name through the night, mourning his absence, mourning the fact that she's still alive. Yui doesn't know when she became so attached to him, but she hates herself for it. She hates herself for everything.

When did she stop wanting to be a monster?

More people than she expects stop by, but she receives no one, uninterested in anyone's company. There is only one man she wants to see and she knows that if she does, she'll be reduced to shouting in an angry fit while he calmly stands and waits for her to finish. And then she'll be subject to his meticulously crafted words and manipulations.

She can still hear Kengo's voice asking her, _"How did you get involved with him, the real Aizen Sousuke?"_ and she wonders if he knew that question would be his downfall. There was no way they could have exposed Sousuke; she knew that from the beginning.

Yui laughs, knowing that he even pretended to give her a semblance of a chance.

_He's played me well._

When she does finally leave her room, she has one goal in mind: he can succeed – she's never cared either way – but she will no longer allow him to use her as one of his puppets.

_"I wish to resign from my position as lieutenant with the knowledge that I am too emotionally compromised to lead."_ It is a lie in all its truest forms – if anything, she's better off leading now than she was before – but they drink it in as though it's what they expected, they with their one-sided view of her capabilities. Yui is demoted to third seat. Sousuke moves his pieces across the board.

.

"I stand by what I said back then," Yui says, calming herself. "I am not like Gin or Kaname. If you fall, I don't plan on going down with you." She knows he's moved before the end of her sentence even though she can still see him, feel him, hear him on the couch.

"It amazes me that you've kept this trait, your ability to endanger those closest to you if it means ensuring your freedom and survival," he says, appearing directly before her. She is neither calmed nor tensed by the sudden closeness. "That has always been your first priority, hasn't it?"

"Don't act like you wouldn't have sold me out in a heartbeat to save your own skin had I gotten in your way."

He frowns.

"Are you disappointed that my ambitions aren't as extreme as yours?"

"On the contrary, I think they are rather… extreme." He brings a hand up to her neck and her eyes flutter shut as he massages it, knowing he's teasing her. He is always teasing her. "After all, knowledge is power and survival is instinct."

Under his gaze, she doesn't feel powerful, but his hand on her skin excites her. His hand moves further up her neck to just under her chin, and she can feel herself lean into it. She hates that she always reacts the same way to his touch. He pauses, staring at her, and she opens her eyes to stare back.

_You should have killed me; it would have made it easier for you to rip out your heart._

He raises his eyebrow as if he can hear her thoughts. She smiles.

_But then, you did always like a challenge, didn't you?_

"I will admit this has been a pleasure," he says, pulling his hand away and turning to the door. She misses his warmth immediately and hates herself for it. "But my attention is needed elsewhere."

"Of course," she mutters, adding to herself, "I'm nothing to you anyway."

No matter how much she dreams, he will never be hers in the way that she is his.

Yui wants to believe the look in his eyes means otherwise, but she knows better than to let herself fall to hope.

.

_"You love him, don't you?"_ Tsukiko sits down next to her, her blonde curls still frizzing out in every direction as they did the same way when they first met. The girls sit in silence, staring out at the coming sunset, watching the colors meld into one another, somehow managing to stay separate as they come together.

_"How much did you know?"_ she asks finally. Tsukiko has always been more perceptive than she lets on, Yui notes. There is no malice in her voice, just simple curiosity. There is no reason for Yui to lie; Tsukiko has never judged her.

_"Enough,"_ she replies. _"Not everything, but enough."_

Tsukiko doesn't ask any more questions, taking the information in slowly. She doesn't seem surprised, which alarms Yui, but doesn't catch her off guard.

_"Rangiku and the others are drinking again tonight,"_ the blonde says. _"They're probably gonna take up the entire office space again too, so Hitsugaya-taichou isn't going to be happy."_

Yui smiles. Tsukiko has never liked focusing on the negative.

_"But they're going to be disappointed if you don't show up,"_ she continues. _"After all, you knew Aizen best and they just want to scream with everyone they can about the betrayal."_

There is a line that divides dream from nightmare, but Yui doesn't know where she's living anymore. One step in either direction – away or towards him – will bring her closer to either the dream or the nightmare, but she can't remember which is which.

This should be the dream, Yui thinks. Sousuke should be the nightmare.

She knows he would reason otherwise.

.

"Sousuke," she calls softly, her hand involuntarily reaching out to him. His name hangs in the air almost like an apology, like a promise, like a reassurance. She is still the same woman he met decades ago, the woman who sought him out for his power and fell in love with his ambition.

He turns to her, pulls her hand into his own, and closes the distance between them, reaching up a hand to her face. Her eyes flutter at his touch – warm, they've always been warm. She can feel the electricity pulsing between them as powerful as ever, and she knows that later this moment will not have lasted long enough.

His thumb brushes over her bottom lip and she parts them on instinct. Yui doesn't wait for him, reaching her free hand behind his head to pull him forward, capturing his mouth with hers.

They haven't kissed in what seems like decades, but the contours of his mouth are all-too familiar and they move the same as they ever have against one another. Her fingers fist around his thick hair, clutching onto him tightly as his mouth begins to devour hers. She lets his tongue sweep through her mouth, lets the taste of him fill her, feels one of his hands moving down her body, feels the other keep her in place on her lower back.

He breaks the kiss, moving his mouth to trace the outline of her jaw, nipping at her ear, down her neck, on her shoulder, and then he works his way back up again. Her free hand moves to loosen his obi, pushing the fabric over his out of the way so she can take him in with every sense she can muster, wrapping her legs around his waist.

She feels her clothes fall to the floor before they move to the bed, and it's almost as if this moment is happening excruciatingly slowly, yet too quickly at the same time. She doesn't remember it ever being this way before.

He knows every crevice of her body and works this to her advantage until she is only feeling pleasure, until she can only remember ever feeling pleasure. She knows his as well and for once, for this single moment in time, they are on what seems to be equal footing as they move in time with one another.

She wonders what kind of nightmare could possibly be this titillating.

They don't speak through it, but when they've finished, she thinks she hears him whisper something, the words "kill" and "queen" flowing off his tongue in a question. She doesn't ask him to repeat himself, pretends she didn't hear anything and doesn't say a word as she listens to their hearts beating rapidly, nearly still in synch with one another. She embraces the moment for what it is and wishes with all of her soul that it could be more.

He is gone when she wakes, but she expected no less; she knows she won't see him again until after he fails or succeeds. It's better that way – she won't have to pretend to fight him and she won't have to watch her comrades fall around her.

Hueco Mundo is a large place, she thinks, and it must be full of mysteries. What else is there for her to do with her free time?

She terrorizes his arrancar, pretending to be one of them – weak; they all wish for someone weaker than themselves, so weaker she will be. The ones smart enough to question whether she's real or where she came from quickly have their inquiries overrun by their pride. It's fitting, she thinks, that the creatures he fashioned should mimic him so ostentatiously.

After all, it will be his pride that brings his downfall.

When she drives arrancar after arrancar to the edge of insanity – they're hearing voices, seeing their nightmares come alive - she revels in the fact that they don't realize that it's her, let alone who she truly is. She wonders what he's thinking – he must know what she's doing – or if he even cares, but pays close mind to stay away from the human girl.

She doesn't plan on involving herself in his plans now.

Yui meditates on principle – no use in wasting such precious time – and her zanpakutou's spirit is as relentless as Sousuke. The tiger circles her in the clearing of the forest in her mind, looking her over as if searching for any excuse to point out weakness.

"You can control the dreams and nightmares of others, yet you cannot decipher between your own."

"Taunting me isn't going to get us anywhere."

"I am only stating fact."

"And we both know I'll figure it out."

It isn't too long until Yui feels familiar waves of reiatsu pouring down within Sousuke's world. She recognizes a few of them immediately and sighs. It is far too quickly, she thinks, that they should be reunited. She doesn't admit that she would have rather stayed alone for much longer.

It isn't right; she shouldn't this way.

_You have always thought this way._

"Yui!" the small girl shouts, sprinting to her friend. Yui is thrust immediately into a tight hug that she isn't quite sure she deserves. "How are you? Are you okay? What did I miss?"

"I'm fine," Yui says slowly, reiterating the fact that Tsukiko, as usual, is in too much of a rush. "And you didn't miss much. Not a lot happens here."

"But what about –"

"He's gone."

"Okay, so we just need –"

"Tsukiko, they're already gone."

"Well, we'll just have to get to the—"

"It's too late now."

"What do you mean?"

"He's trapped us all here."

The small girl stares at Yui for a moment, taking in the new information and looking her over suspiciously. Yui thinks she should feel uncomfortable at the receiving end of her friend's scrutinizing stare – that's how someone else would feel, right? – but the apathy is difficult to get rid of.

"So you're not going to do anything?"

"There's nothing _to_ do."

"There's always something you can do!" Tsukiko shouts, her face turning red with anger. "We can't just sit here and let our friends get killed!"

She's jealous that Tsukiko can still hold to such a feeble thread of hope when the odds are stacked completely against them, that Tsukiko is worried about everyone else in a way Yui never has, never could.

There is only one person Yui loves more than herself, and even he isn't worth risking her own life over.

Tsukiko will be angry with her for a while, she thinks, but she nods and follows the blonde, pretending that her faith has been restored, that it was only because of Sousuke that it fumbled in the first place. Yui looks deep within herself, but doesn't know where she stands – is she the dream or is she the nightmare?

_I don't mind being a monster_.


End file.
